It isn’t hard to find love, it’s hard to keep it.
I expected it to be easy. All the movies and TV shows taught me that finding love was the hard part, that once I found it my life was going to fall into place.
Why do they keep up the lie?
I think it’s time we realize that’s not going to happen.
Because there’s nothing more complex in this world than a human being, except maybe two. It’s like trying to fit two puzzle pieces together that were made to be on opposite ends of the puzzle.
We each have our own issues, patterns of behavior, ways of thinking, values, relationships, expectations, fears, dreams, habits and even tastes.
To top it all off, those are all vastly different from those of the person sitting next to us, so the odds that we’ll find anyone on this planet who fits our needs perfectly is almost impossible. Even if we did, their ways of expressing their love and communicating are bound to be at least slightly different from ours, mostly because our lives have been different and we have been taught how to love by different people.
The bottom line is, we all want to be loved for who we are. But we all think of love in different ways.
“Just because someone doesn’t love you the way you want to be loved, doesn’t mean that they don’t love you with all their heart.”
This phrase has absolutely changed my way of experiencing love.
As you’ve probably figured out by now, I run away from conflict. Not in the moment; I try to find ways to fix it first, but more times than not, I know you might be left feeling like I abandoned you when you needed me the most.
It’s something I work on constantly, but the need to have some space to myself is always present and as much as I fight it, at one point or another i’m going to need a few hours to regroup.
It all comes down to patterns I’ve learnt from others or even from how I had to deal with things in my childhood: when I felt that talking to friends or grownups would only make them feel bad or would only create more conflict, I chose to hide and figure things out on my own.
It’s hard to change something that’s been so intrinsically woven into your subconscious. I’ve spent most of my time apologizing to people who have felt unloved because of it.
I’m not abandoning you, I’m doing the only thing I know how to do in order to fix things.
It doesn’t mean I don’t love you with all my heart.
It means I’m trying my hardest to figure out a way to resolve the conflict on my own, before I place a burden on you, or before we end up fighting to the point of hating each other.
Please understand that I want nothing more than to be with you right now, but I know that I need to be alone for a while before I can come back with a solution. I know that me being there would only make things worse, that my anxiety and overthinking would only cause more trouble and that my insecurities would turn me into a monster you’d undoubtedly run away from yourself.
I know it’s not the way it should be, but sometimes I need you to pull me back and say: “We’ll do this together”. Sometimes I need to be the one to pull you closer and take you with me.
I know, I suck at communicating. I know I should have told you this sooner, but I’m also afraid of heartbreak. I’m afraid that if you see my insecurity and my weakness, you’ll decide there’s probably someone better for you out there. Someone without this much baggage.
I’m now sitting alone at the beach, knowing that I’ve disappointed someone yet again, probably to the point where they won’t ever speak to me.
Just because I couldn’t love her the way she wanted to be loved, doesn’t mean I didn’t love her with all my heart.
Hopefully, we find it in our hearts to be forgiving, understanding, to leave our pride aside and communicate our feelings better. Hopefully, I’ll learn that there’s a better way to resolve conflicts, hopefully you’ll be the one to teach me.
We are so different, but I guess love forces us to see ourselves in a new light. It completely shatters our walls and we have to stand there, exposed, hoping that someone else will love us back, flaws and all. Hoping someone will hold our hand as we find our way out of that puzzle and into accepting that it’s okay to be different, that our flaws will be complemented by the other’s virtues and by doing that, helping each other to build the missing pieces towards a healthy, loving and honest relationship.
And that takes time, patience, respect, honesty and obviously lots and lots of love.
(COME TALK TO ME, I DON’T BITE.
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