It sounds silly doesn’t it? It’s just hair.
I didn’t even change it that much; I just chopped it off to my shoulders and lightened it a little bit. It shouldn’t make that much of a difference right? Except it does, it changes everything.
When you go through some things in life, whether it’s a breakup, a divorce, abuse, mental illness or even a car crash, your brain goes into survival mode. It’s not the usual “you” who’s living; it’s the “you” you need to get through everything.
Sometimes we cry, we get angry, we fight back, sometimes we isolate ourselves or stop caring. We tend to get so disconnected from our usual selves that we start to forget who we really are. This can last for years before we finally realize that there is nothing to fight anymore and that we need to go back to more than just surviving and start actually living.
For the past months, the few times I dared look in the mirror I was horrified with what I saw: Have my eyes always looked this sad? Why do I look defeated? When was the last time I ate? Where did all these bruises come from? Why is my hair so damaged? Am I not wearing makeup because fuck beauty standards or because I just didn’t care enough to put it on this morning?
This isn’t me.
I knew myself to be this woman who was creative, free, independent, loving and brave. Yet, all I could think of myself at that time was that I was trapped and scared. I saw myself as dependent on people to bring me happiness and at the same time I had moments when I craved to be left alone.
Yes, I let myself be this way; it was how my body reacted to my environment. So yeah, I was the person I needed to be to get through it all: I was processing everything in my head, I stopped pretending to be okay and I was reaching out for help.
That’s no longer who I need to be though.
That part of my life is over and so, I needed to take a final step out of that defeated mentality.
I’m ready now to be the person I thought myself to be. I’m ready to be brave again and independent, I’m ready to get out of my comfort zone, be free of judgment from others and from myself. This time I’m better prepared and I know myself more than I used to.
So I’m just ready to be me, but I couldn’t do that when my outside still looked broken.
My clothes are the same, my body is the same, and my face is the same. All I did was cut my hair, but it was the step I needed to take to finally be able to look in the mirror and say:
“Yeah, my outside matches my inside again. I’m back.”
If anyone here has gone through something similar, feel free to share your story with me, I’m always on Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest or Tumblr as andadenimjacket and on Spotify as charliesdenimjacket and of course on the comments down here.
All the love always,